Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
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With this onion ring, I thee fed
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
We’re all getting idioter.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.