How to make infinite energy.
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[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
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fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?