Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
You Might Also Like
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own