Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
The French cow says MEUX…
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.