What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
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As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Do not steal food from the science building!
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.