“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead