Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
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13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
💁🏻♂️
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then