My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
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People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Everyone’s family
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.