It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
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Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
so i’m at the stock market right
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!