“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public