Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
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“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Brands during Pride
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!