am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think