You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
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Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
fr
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t