*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
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Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I don’t get marriage
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.