It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
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Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.