cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
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I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.