It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
So, can we agree on 4 or
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?