“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
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I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
(2022)
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?