[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
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I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I don’t know what to do
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
very niche meme I made
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.