I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
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Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo