Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
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Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
San Francisco has too many rules
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that