*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
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Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
BaD BoY!!
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
good let them take over I have had enough
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?