Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Simple
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
welp
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing