When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
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I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
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I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click