me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme