Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
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some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*