My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud