If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Me, flirting😏
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise