Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.