Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
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Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
For the baby who has everything