one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
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People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.