A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
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i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
You deplete me
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal