If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
what’s the point then??
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes