Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
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I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Sign at work today
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then