Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.