women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
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Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Just ordered me some pizza!
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.