Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
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Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start