My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
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dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
This is me
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
i love modern commerce
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables