My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
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It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
True freaking story!
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
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