Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment