just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
You Might Also Like
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*