It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
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My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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