My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely