I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
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that wasn’t the question
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
TODAY
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
“our sushi is very fresh”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Ovenable?
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*