Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
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I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Don’t talk down to me
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.