Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
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When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.