5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
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me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Hot hot hot 🥵
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”