[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
What even happened today?
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”