Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I’m awake but I object,
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.