AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
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Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Bike for sale
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics